since forever/heart/death/zombification

to those peoples who check this website, which by all counts is about 2 people after my recent break, i apologize. Occasionally life will has to be had to have something to talk about.

Thank God I'm still struggling with keeping the idea of "living my life to the fullest" in fetters, so I don't have too much more to say.

I finally got the internet at my apartment, so in times of extreme boredom or extreme prcrastination, I can find solace here.
I'm not really into the fact that blogger is completely google-ized now, I feel like google will one day be the owners of the internet, and time warner will own the connection, and that will be it. I wouldn't mind working for google or getting some of that crazy stock.

But anyways, about my imminent death-
I really don't care about dying. It has to be done. But what I am dissappointed with is the fact that I won't be able to study the
"now" in the grand scheme of history. What a gift it would be that after death we all wake up as zombies 500 years later, but instead of eating brains we just head to a library to see what we've missed, to see what our purpose in time was, to see if we really did fuck it all up. We would still be scary as fuck. But perhaps in addition for craving human flesh, we could crave historical knowledge. Librarians are stereotypically fat and old, and with advances in technology and the decline inteligence, I imagine in 500 years they wiil be deliciously fatty meals.
Yet, disturbing and comedic fantasies aside, its weird to think I really could die in a few seconds. In a few seconds I could get up too fast and have a weird blood clot and have a stroke or an embolism. It's crazy. It's true, we are the fragile ones.
I have a very strange relationship with life itself, but mostly with the thing that keeps it going, my heart. I hate the beating....HATE IT. What's with the beating? Why can't it hum on the hour or something more useful. The beating is never steady enough, its always random, and thinking about it, which I do atleast once an hour, drives me a little crazy.
Yes, I've been perscribed zoloft recently, but never filled the perscription, after believing my mother's warnings of its initial effects, and also not wanting to pay for it.
I think I will try and do an animation about my thoughts on my heart. Perhaps me vs. my heart.
This isn't some kind of a metaphor...this is real.
I want to fight my heart, for a chance to live without it. God, could you perhaps provide this.

It would be magnificient to be a zombie from the future. No beating heart. Very few emotional quandaries. Rarely feeling tired or empty...except for your stomach's emptiness when you are lacking human flesh I guess....
Ahh, what a day it will be on my death....when a family member reads over todays post, and decides to read it verbatim to the bereaved.

its nice to be back posting today. we will see if this blog comes back with the advent of home internet, as i predict it will.