death of this

I'm through trying to revive this...not that I was trying that hard.

After last month, this blog has been in play for 5 years. 5 "amazing" years in which a many of things have taken place, the first of which was the process of becoming an adult. I imagine scanning through the posts you will find there was some sort of growth through strife...but then again maybe there was nothing discernible at all. But trust me, stuff changed.

So on this the week, the week of my 1 year anniversary working a regular job here in San Antonio, TX, I formally give up on posting lame diatribes about my problems and anxieties or "critical" thoughts on entertainment...or even those few posts that delve into philosophical thought and come out looking fairly fuckable.

Perhaps some member of my dynasty will find this interesting in 20 years or so. Or maybe the server will burn down, and it will all be lost forever.

Honestly who cares?


Not saying I won't be back. I'm sure there's a day on the horizon that will bring the lame poet inside me out to play, and my tears and wounds will need to be sedated through the majesty of word/text.

i want more

and who doesn't?
Whether your a stock broker on walstreet, a fat man with a phonebook of delivery services, or a green peace officer saving the world, one closed animal testing facility at a time.

you want more. you need more. but your not getting enough. Nothing is ever enough. Give a man a million dollars and he will find a way to make a million more....or buy a million dollars worth of fried chicken until the money's gone, and he is left unsatiated.

I'm expecting more in 007, but I don't think it will happen...but it's all about working toward imaginary goals. Whether I fancy myself finding a way to make a lot more money doing what im doing in texas, finding my way into a graduate program, or moving to LA or New York...it's all imaginary. Fuck, Tomorrow is imaginary. Working for a personal idea of a good life. Makes me wish I was much more religious...seems like it would be a tiny bit easier to perscribe.

Don't sin....do whatever else....do what you think Jesus would do....read the good word...attend church. Seems easier to attain happiness....if one could be content doing that. I'd like to think that's why we get old...to eventually come to a simple happiness...a childlike wonderment with the end of life...similar to the beginning. But not everyone gets old. How frenetic and unfair life seems in certain frames of mind. But I choose the frame.

I don't know enough philosophy to be writing like this. I should fill your minds with my personal life updates and opinions on more palpable subjects....or maybe the original topic.

What the fuck should I do with my life?
Is the answer that I'm already doing it? And to just keep moving forward and drop the stress element, knowing that I will never transition into some unachievable stable life. There's plenty of examples in people I grew up with, now with a lot of scratch, who are bored, and are finding more solace in alcohol than even me.
I know that's what I should do...but stress is the enemy....nor a friend of me....and will always be something I refer to as earthly....in order to affirm my idea that in death there is no stress.....whether there is a heaven or a birth into nothingness....atleast both provide a lack of stress....i pray.

Tonsils expanding their range...puss visiting the lip...knee in need of a bed and rest....hair falling from the corners of my head....black circles buying property under my eyes....we all press on......mark my grace.

i believe in magic.

sxsw 2007...

What a fantastic amalgam of moments this was this year.
Ill try to make an impromtu list of things.....actually i think ill copy this others blogs list and replace the events, and add and subtract a few.

Best Show By Someone I've Never Seen: Has to be Kiiiii. These intensely crazy pop rap experimental japanese girls rocked the house like the Fresh Prince of bel aire.

Best Show By Someone I've Seen: Brother Ali. Saw him twice in fact. I think im convinced enough to buy his new album.

Best Party: The only one I went to of course was the David Cross hosted "mess with texas" party. It started off with an absolutely brilliant speech by andrew wk. After meeting them Brian Posehn and David Cross put on some hilarious stand up comedy. And all my "bored" friends left to watch some band called Polyphonic Spree.....i got really drunk alone.

Best Venue: Flamingo Cantina. I had never been there beforei liked the staging, being that it was open on two ends rather than one....and we were able to get very close. Risers on the side for other peeps....i was impressed. and the sound was good. Also...they had like 16 ounce red stripe....not that i got one....but i liked the option. But also I have to mention Visions....which gave me a vicious pat down each time i went in the place.

Worst Venue: Emos main stage....especially during the performace of Cage.

Best Celebrity Sighting: Slash. I gave him a high five thinking it was just someone dressed like Slash. It wasn't.

Most Nostalgic Moment: Seeing Rage Against the Machine sans Zach dela Rocha, play.

Best Food: I ate really cheaply the entire time.....i guess the best food i had aside from pizza and tacos....was tacos at "baby a's"

Most Heard Complaint: "This Line isn't moving." I guess I need to get a badge rather than wristband next year....or not.

Band I Wanted To See And Didn't: The Presidents of the United States of America. The line wouldn't move. Also the The Pippettes

Best Band I Didn't Expect To Like A Fuck Ton: The PPT. These hip hop guys that ransacked the ME television studio last year were really funny to me...i didn't expect their show to be as fun almost as the Gift of Gab/Lyrics Born w/ Galactic show.

Best In-Between Banter: Daughters. The lead singer speaks in drunken grunts inbetween spitting flem down his pants and licking audience members. it was awesome.

Scariest Moment: Joanna. Pretty much anytime I was around her in public places....or at amy's....or when she was driving wasted around a city she has barely been in.

Band I Saw But Shouldn't Have: CAGE. This was the worst fucking hip hop i have ever heard....with equally shitty fans.

Best Dressed: Kiiiii. Most colorful anyways....

Funniest Moment: Joanna calling me telling me she had been driving around austin for 3 hours looking for riverside....that was actually the funniest thing thats happened in awhile.

Weirdest Moment: When I predicted everything that would happen after some people decided to go hang out at the pool in amy's apt. "There they go...guranteed there will be somone that pulls a knife on someone....and there will probably be a sword....and then someone will be bleeding...and they will all rush back here all excited that their lives aren't boring"

Best Cover: Rage covering "this land is your land" on St. Patricks day...made me feel inspired.

Cutest Girl Band: I just realized Kiiiii was the only all female group I saw. they were hot.

Best Line By Someone Drunk Anywhere: Toss Up. Demetrios saying "i've got to put a cheese plaza in my bank roll....DON'T FUCK WITH ME!" or Joanna upon falling to the ground "you didn't catch me bitches!...im just posing....for pics...... now im squiggliinging my way around now....yall are bitches!"

Thoughts for Next Year: Go again....regardless of time and space. Also try not to make fun of joanna so consistently....

since forever/heart/death/zombification

to those peoples who check this website, which by all counts is about 2 people after my recent break, i apologize. Occasionally life will has to be had to have something to talk about.

Thank God I'm still struggling with keeping the idea of "living my life to the fullest" in fetters, so I don't have too much more to say.

I finally got the internet at my apartment, so in times of extreme boredom or extreme prcrastination, I can find solace here.
I'm not really into the fact that blogger is completely google-ized now, I feel like google will one day be the owners of the internet, and time warner will own the connection, and that will be it. I wouldn't mind working for google or getting some of that crazy stock.

But anyways, about my imminent death-
I really don't care about dying. It has to be done. But what I am dissappointed with is the fact that I won't be able to study the
"now" in the grand scheme of history. What a gift it would be that after death we all wake up as zombies 500 years later, but instead of eating brains we just head to a library to see what we've missed, to see what our purpose in time was, to see if we really did fuck it all up. We would still be scary as fuck. But perhaps in addition for craving human flesh, we could crave historical knowledge. Librarians are stereotypically fat and old, and with advances in technology and the decline inteligence, I imagine in 500 years they wiil be deliciously fatty meals.
Yet, disturbing and comedic fantasies aside, its weird to think I really could die in a few seconds. In a few seconds I could get up too fast and have a weird blood clot and have a stroke or an embolism. It's crazy. It's true, we are the fragile ones.
I have a very strange relationship with life itself, but mostly with the thing that keeps it going, my heart. I hate the beating....HATE IT. What's with the beating? Why can't it hum on the hour or something more useful. The beating is never steady enough, its always random, and thinking about it, which I do atleast once an hour, drives me a little crazy.
Yes, I've been perscribed zoloft recently, but never filled the perscription, after believing my mother's warnings of its initial effects, and also not wanting to pay for it.
I think I will try and do an animation about my thoughts on my heart. Perhaps me vs. my heart.
This isn't some kind of a metaphor...this is real.
I want to fight my heart, for a chance to live without it. God, could you perhaps provide this.

It would be magnificient to be a zombie from the future. No beating heart. Very few emotional quandaries. Rarely feeling tired or empty...except for your stomach's emptiness when you are lacking human flesh I guess....
Ahh, what a day it will be on my death....when a family member reads over todays post, and decides to read it verbatim to the bereaved.

its nice to be back posting today. we will see if this blog comes back with the advent of home internet, as i predict it will.

fuck this waiting nonsense...

I've been trying to hold off to see a few more movies for the year....but I guess they will have to go into the bucket for next year.

OK-My fav's of 06.



10. Jesus Camp - I probably watched more documentary film this year than I have in the last 5. Needless to say, the one that exposes a camp of evangelical christians had the power to show me a world I remember as a kid. A world my parents didn't want me to be a part of. A world that scared the living shit out of me...as an adult.

9. Casino Royale - This was the best James Bond movie I've ever seen. I think its the only actually "good" movie of the whole lot. Finally Bond becomes a character rather than a shadow among insane set pieces and uber gizmos.

8. Brick - If you haven't seen this yet, I'm obviously recommending it here. The kid from Angels In The Outfield knocks this Present Day High School Film Noir out of the park. Completely entertaining, never mind numbing, nor hokey.

7. The Puffy Chair - I'm not sure when this was actually released, but I didn't see it until this year. These guys shot a wonderful story on a relationship that mirrors my own, albeit more dramatic. The dry humor and character work here is reminiscent of the script I'm writing currently....and the filmmakers are from Austin...so I'm jealous.

6. Borat (And that Long other Title) - I love that this movie got made. From the time I saw that neon man thong bathing suit, I knew this would be genius. Although I still prefer the stuff from Da Ali G Show, this movie made it a lot easier to talk to people when I'm drinking....but I have to use the accent...and constantly give High fives.

5. Talladega Nights - Nascar racing and a will ferrell comedy with adam mckay at the helm? how could i not want to fuck this movie? If you get your hands on this DVD, you have to listen to atleast 30 minutes of the commentary...in a way its funnier than the movie....too bad its not a movie. Also...this movie made me feel prouder to be American than any other movie I saw this year....i have no idea why.

4. Rocky Balboa - This is the best story told this year in film....I'm not a fan of the Rocky franchise, I can barely remember anything about the couple I've seen. But shit...seeing Stallone, not unlike Rocky, make a comeback on the brink of old age. It was just awe inspiring. I love when a film overlaps life.

3. United 93 - When film overlaps life......Jesus christ.....I don't think I could watch this movie again. I watched it alone, late one night, obviously forgetting about how I was afraid to watch this in the theater (afraid of the emotions it could get at) and I stayed up til 4am physically upset. Yes I cried. It made me wish that that day never happened so bad....it was truly horrorfying.....a sign of a great movie.

2. Clerks 2 - KSmith. I'm a fan. The clerks are a part of my being. I couldn't help but fall in love with this movie...i love you, in a completely heterosexual kind of way.

1. The Fountain - I haven't seen Children of men nor Pan's labrynth....so this will easily take the top spot. Never have I been so challenged in a theater as I was when I watched this....nor have I felt so good to be a conscious being in the realm of existence. If you like thinking metaphysically, and the idea of Love and God and Time and Life and Death trouble your thoughts, you might like this too. Also, I wouldn't suggest doing any narcotics before watching this....

It was a great year for fucking movies in my opinion. A lot of real movies. By real I mean, not cheese. The Beef, if you will. Also A lot of great comedies, which is how I prefer my movies anyways. Notice no comic book films...superman didn't quite do it all the way for me...but it was good.

Other notable films to see: Beerfest, Inside Man, The Departed, The Hills Have Eyes, Apocalypto, Little Miss Sunshine, Idiocracy....


The ones I still need to see: Shortbus, Half nelson, Little Children, Deliver Us From Evil, and the aforementioned Mexican Director movies....and Volver