lost it

i think somewhere along this year i lost the ability to think clearly about anything.
Im having a very hard time remembering things...simple things.
Like...
who directed the Godfather....
i had trouble matching names with faces like Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen.
It took me like 3 minutes to think of Corey Feldman's name, and then i couldn't remember the other washed up Corey's name.
I couldn't think of a good definition for pastiche.
I couldn't remember this girls name nor face who said hello to me on the bus this morning.
couldn't think of all the necessary gimmicks i would need for a Cereal Cafe....the most necessary being "toppings"
i couldn't remember if i parked my car in the back or the front of my apt.
i couldn't remember where i left my grey beanie
i cant remember where the line "who will be my role model, now that my role model is gone" is from.
i couldn't think of what year Pretty Woman came out.
I couldn't think of Nicole Kidman's name for like 5 minutes.
I couldn't remember what time Newly Weds comes on.
i cant remember stuff that i couldn't remember a week ago, but eventually found out....nor why i wanted to remember

I could remember that Michael Jackson is fucking innocent still, and his father Joseph is the real criminal. But i think my brain is deteorating faster than most...
oh well.

top ten hated

in no real order

1. the "real" world i have to enter in a month
2. the local news
3. my selfish thoughts about how i should live
4. the mars volta
5. time
6. honesty
7. fatty foods that make me feel bad
8. black eyed pea
9. sleep (until i am asleep)
10. people who try to tell me that i, in fact, do not want to be black, and that i "could not handle it"

fuck you.

happy christ dying time anniversary to all of you.

take your oxygen away

suicide is apparently trendy. never thought i could say that in my own persaonal life. I guess i need to follow it by "failure is trendy" as well....seeing as how in both cases the "victim" failed.
I hate to post about this, because im sure if either found out they would want my head on a plate with parsley, but reguardless of their wishes here i am.
In catholicism its damnation, in my own personal christianity its mild victory over the flesh, which, if there is a heaven, and you were invited in the first place it wouldn't matter.
This idea comes out of an old idea that i believed when i was a kid that life is retarded, and the faster it ends the better. That hasn't dissapated completely obviously. But i believed suicide cant be that bad, since the doctrines i had been taught didn't state anything at all that could change the fact that you were a believer in christ. It was a "once saved, always saved" kinda deal. I still agree with that. I just am never certain of my faith anymore.
Perhaps its being in austin, and listening to others. Not going to church for a solid 4 years. Or existentialism. Im not sure. But i cant get it back like it once was, but i deal with it.
Suicide is pretty much not painless at all.
It hurts a lot of people. People that you dont even like. People that you despise. People that dont even like you in return.
Maybe thats why its so appealing. We want others to hurt as badly as we do. And the whole "i cant go on" thing is a charade.
But we all know this kinda shit doens't really help to think about.
So what am i trying to say?
I guess....that...i care.
And wish i could save you all, but i guess i cant.


Soon this will be all over anyways. so you my as well have a good time. or a DEATH-TIME. jk

Oh yeah. My trip back to the homeland (florida) was cool and a breath of fresh air, yet entirely too mind numbing.

ALSO
The Mean Reds show is pretty much going down as the best fucking small show i will ever go to i think. that band stole my idea on how to live. But i think they do it better than i could anyways.