take your oxygen away

suicide is apparently trendy. never thought i could say that in my own persaonal life. I guess i need to follow it by "failure is trendy" as well....seeing as how in both cases the "victim" failed.
I hate to post about this, because im sure if either found out they would want my head on a plate with parsley, but reguardless of their wishes here i am.
In catholicism its damnation, in my own personal christianity its mild victory over the flesh, which, if there is a heaven, and you were invited in the first place it wouldn't matter.
This idea comes out of an old idea that i believed when i was a kid that life is retarded, and the faster it ends the better. That hasn't dissapated completely obviously. But i believed suicide cant be that bad, since the doctrines i had been taught didn't state anything at all that could change the fact that you were a believer in christ. It was a "once saved, always saved" kinda deal. I still agree with that. I just am never certain of my faith anymore.
Perhaps its being in austin, and listening to others. Not going to church for a solid 4 years. Or existentialism. Im not sure. But i cant get it back like it once was, but i deal with it.
Suicide is pretty much not painless at all.
It hurts a lot of people. People that you dont even like. People that you despise. People that dont even like you in return.
Maybe thats why its so appealing. We want others to hurt as badly as we do. And the whole "i cant go on" thing is a charade.
But we all know this kinda shit doens't really help to think about.
So what am i trying to say?
I guess....that...i care.
And wish i could save you all, but i guess i cant.


Soon this will be all over anyways. so you my as well have a good time. or a DEATH-TIME. jk

Oh yeah. My trip back to the homeland (florida) was cool and a breath of fresh air, yet entirely too mind numbing.

ALSO
The Mean Reds show is pretty much going down as the best fucking small show i will ever go to i think. that band stole my idea on how to live. But i think they do it better than i could anyways.