the most dangerous thought

im in a weird phase of thinking about existence....probably too much since im writing about it (solely) here.
do you ever contemplate the entire universe and everything that can possibly exist in its entiriety and think whats beyond that?
the obvious explanation, for me, being a believer in christ/god....is that god and heaven are beyond 'it.'
but then ofcourse comes the follow up question of "what is gods' origin?"
and that question, sometimes when i first begin to think about it...can make my brain feel like its going to explode for about 3-5seconds. Somtimes i can get kind of shakey and light headed.....even teary. Its a frightening thought.
but it always goes away within that time frame....and no matter how much i try to maintain or bring back that intense 3-5 seconds....i cant
its as if im not supposed to think it.....
ive talked to many people about this over the years....and ive only found a couple of people who seem to know the feeling.

existence is weird....
im only humoring the idea on this blog thing is because i haven't had this thought in a very long time...and the other day i actually had that intense feeling and then it happened again this morning in the shower....

after i get that intense feeling and am left with a very sullen state of mind....i always, and always have in the past, come to the conclusion that i am a simple being, under god....
and as a human i can not comprehend god completely and never will be able to.....and my only option is to have faith in that and him.

its all this that supports my faith in God and christ....and allows me to indoctrinate myself in the word of god.
all other atheists/agnostics/scientific theories just dont do it for me.....this is my personal theist theory i guess.

but i dont really think agnostics have theories....i think they just dont care......


does anyone know what im talking about?
im thinking its possible...but unlikely

opuesto de bien

i hate going to bed mentally starved...
this katy trrip has been oddly timed, as i have learned of more episodic cociane use amongst people which is always disheartening...its probably not as bad as my informant made it seem, but still....anytime anyone is concerned with a drug of this nature it is bad.
Also my sister was arrested (but not 'booked') for underage drinking tonight...she lied to my parents saying she was going to see a great movie called daredevil, but instead caught a ride with some older sick individuals with cocks...and went to an unknown little field somewhere in the heart of katy. I think these guys may have been older than me....which is fucking sick. My sister could be completely ignorant to her mind.
Apparently shes done this before, but a katy cop (which ironicly is probably pictured in the previous post) picked up on the fresh smell of bad teens....and unearthed their little caper in the woods.
I didn't stick around for the aftermath, of her being picked up by my parents and what not......but i should have
instead i went and watched daredevil...as my sister probably wish she had done....
the second time was surprisingly alot alot better......i dont know if it was that i picked up on alot more things....or wasn't distracted by the large crowd, the annoying person that sat next to me, that bright light shining in the corner of my eyes from the stepping stairs, or jenny having to let me know that certain comic-fantasy aspects are "ridiculous"..........idunno.....but it made me want to see it once more, again!

eric v had a hotel party.....it was very lame........perhaps the saddest party ive ever seen in katy.....but i kept my feelings inside and was able to make the best of it. Couldn't drink though #1 because i drove #2 because my sister got arrested and wouldnt want it to be a double wammy for my rents #3 i want to stop drinking more than once a week...or atleast drinking 'too much' more than once a week. Also found out michael waguespack is going to be in jail soon....probably until the summer. That along with the horrible scabs on his face, which he attained through being beligerantly drunk....made our conversation seem so sad.....adding to the overall mood of the "party"

the end of the night consisted of me, daren, mike, and joanna....watching the simpsons 300th episode and discussing existence in comparison to powerhouse
so the night ended suprisingly well.....

but something is tainting the 'now'
and it feels kinda good

enter banded wrists

Ill be heading to Katy this weekend...I dont really need to, but because of my recent emotional dreaminess, something is telling me to go home and refresh. Austin can at times be like a drug...taking control of my willpower and forcing me to just relax and wait for the next alcoholic drink to find its way into my hand. Living weekend to weekend is no way to live. but this isn't to say that Katy is really an anti-drug, but it is a place in which im much more sure of what im doing. My goals are more simpler, and the environment doesn't make it all cloudy...for me atleast.
My goal in katy is to get the people i love, out of katy...except for my parents...they need to be the skeleton crew that holds the keep.
I guess im just looking for some inspiration...or to inspire the uninspired...
blah blah......i need some focus.
And just awhile ago i learned my great-uncle who is a costume designer for tv/film will be at a wedding reception...and me and him will have a chat......networking is key.
Michael Jackson....so much terrible press lately. Its true...the man is psyhcologically scarred..or even gone.......but you cant deny his music....
so i encourage eveyone who has been paying attention to all this stuff....to turn it off....and listen to "billy jean".....and fuckin jam

post punk emo pop = shit in colorful saranwrapp....to me atleast...althogh their are layers of annoyance depending on the band
oh ya....doug stanhope is going to be co-hosting the Man Show......thats good for him....although it will probably kill the show...

i think im swashbuckling

so this weekend was pretty good to me.....even the trip to sesame street live this sat was not near a waste.
Much less overly dramatic, compared to last weekend....which is very good. At some point last weekend i was contemplating transferring to a college far-far away, in california.
But that would probably never materialize...not in a million year
aah....Valentines day is rather useless holiday, and in my opinion, just is here to keep hallmark, russell stovers, and 1800-flowers in business......as well as some peoples sexlives because its like a mandatory fuckfest....and a chance to be "nice" even though you may not want to be....which can be positive i suppose
but i bought into it a little, ofcourse....but treated most of the day as a normal one
I took my date to see daredevil....
it is a good-fun predictable comic book movie.....although it hints at Noir, its just a little too hollywood manufactured for me to fall in love with it.
But I will probably see it once more.
Next on the comicbookmovie list, comes Xmen 2 and the hulk......but id really like to see a new batman from aronofsky........but it will probably suck

the Simpsons celebrated there 300th episode.....the guy who does homers voice looks like a rapist in 'real' life....
today i should go and take my computer into the shop....because it crashed last week......but ive been very lazy with spring fever as of late and will more than likely not do it....or anything else.....tonight
but i got my cellphone back...so ill be okay.....

i think someone is stalking me.......who have i offended?

my great grandfather will soon pass on, and find out exactly what catholicism, along with everything else, means.....i will pray for a easy and drunken death into the afterlife........keep on drinking the beast

311, deftones, and metallica will all have new albums soon enough....

wild turkeys!

this morning i fell asleep around 4:55am....only to later awake at 6:45am....an unusual and consequently painful thing for me to do. My eyes burn a lot when i dont get enough sleep, and i tend to slip into dream easily if i close my eyes.....
oh....i got up this early in order to attain a pair of tickets to the bill clinton lecture on the 12th at UT, but i didn't get any.....there was a large line. Today my email stopped working....and aol is not operable for anyone in my family.....im not sure why.......but schooling at UT is very dependent on email, and im probably missing more than i know....ya
Later this evening I lost my cell phone...albeit while filming a short/skit type movie......so it was a bittersweet evening and i didn't mind. I haven't actually done anything hands-on in quite a long time. I met this guy from Katy named Jack (not sure what his last is) but he played trumpet in KHS band and i am familiar with his visage and quiet personality.....but we worked on this project together..........he has a 4,000 dollar dv camera......i was drooling all over my cock.
I hope we get to work together in the future.....he seems intelligent
=My dad is going to california tomorrow....call him and wish him luck.
=at 2:30 tomorrow Ill be given a hearing speach and language screening....i wonder if i will pass the test
=thank you to jenny for going with me to look for my phone....even though no fruits were tasted
=Daredevil, the new movie coming out soon, is going to be spectacular........this is word of mouth