the argument for me being a woman

I don't know why I am the way I am, not referring to homosexuality here, but the fact that I'm not constantly trying to fuck women.
There is a scene from the movie BLOW that comes to mind every time I'm reminded of this character trait.
You know, when Penelope Cruz character, disenfranchised, mocks Johnny Depp's Jorge Jung with something to the effect of...

"Why don't you fuck me anymore, are you a faggot now?"

Seemingly the ultimate way a woman can cut down what's left of modern masculinity.

Being a man, as this society seems to define it, just seems wrong in me. Take huge risks and spend tons of effort into doing something or being someone who looks successful, thus looking good to eat, evolutionarily speaking, to a female counterpart. Doing something like selling millions of dollars of cocaine would never seem plausible to me. Ever.

But I suppose there are legal options, whether it be writing a hit record, having a successful car dealership, or getting drunk and beating everyone you know with jujitsu, we're all out to prove ourselves to women, by defeating men.

I do not mean to say I'm above this at all...far from it. I'm just really bad at it, and each time I take part in the proceedings I typically fail.
I feel some sort of intellectual guilt. As if "I'm too smart for this...being competitive with people is being assholic...or not taking part in this makes me above it."
In a way...I bullshit myself into not buying evolution and its natural selection that is taking place right in front of me. I guess thats why I hang back and make fun of people to death. (Which I'll always love)

Regardless of the ignorant ways in which I deal with this type of shit, it's stressful. Ignoring it is impossible.

I found this statement in an article I was reading when I was looking for things to secure my thinking.

The essence of how culture uses men depends on a basic social insecurity. This insecurity is in fact social, existential, and biological. Built into the male role is the danger of not being good enough to be accepted and respected and even the danger of not being able to do well enough to create offspring.

This is why somewhat losery guys such as myself are all anxious and suicidal at times...We're getting this shit from all ends...socially, biologically, existentially. Its a beating a lot of shitty guys take everyday.

Simply put...there are too many holes being fucked by way too few dicks.
And I mean dicks in each sense of the word. (Although some Richards may be pretty shitty.) There are too stark a contrast in the value of men. There either great and fucking a lot...or not great...in fact they are losers. I think women typically are not like this in general. Maybe feminism has done something of a number on this idea, but still the richest people in world are men as well as the poorest.

But am I really that shitty or great? Not really...this is why I am a woman.

Rather than take great risks and be shitty or great as men have been doing since Lucy, I'd rather just ride in the middle.
Seems like a better plan to me.

Put a lovable looking lady in a bar and sit her by herself. The oppostite sex will flock eventually, regardless of whether she chooses to interact first. Someone will take the risk.

Put me in a bar by my lonesome and have me say nothing, the results will be starkly different. Although my lovable-ness is very debatable if not dubious.

Yet....most of the time, this is what I choose to do. The alternative seems gross to me. Competition when it comes to proving something to attain evolutionary advancement through fucking, doesn't work for me.


Recently I have decided I outright do not want children. I'm far too fucked up with my own thoughts, shortcomings, and lacking physical attributes to really add anything to the gene pool anyways.

Since deciding this, I think I've actually decreased my masturbation habits. And with that my stress level has risen dramatically.

So yes. I've outright decided I want to be miserable.





BUT...If I don't believe or claim not to like this competition then why have I written something like this? To try to prove to women I'm smart? And Why is everything I do have to be wrapped up in theories on human nature?

I find this very constrictive, and find it hard to breath with the weight of it on me. As well as The greatest weight.



I suppose I should take it from Cee Lee Green and...

Just live. And die.



...


Meh...I'm not really this unhappy about the definition of "man" in this day and age.
I think I'll go drink and make fun of people, then jerk off. I like it.

Don't grade me. I'll grade myself.

I just can't sit quietly today.

I can't breath with this anxiety, and this seems to be the only outlet, aside from actually doing something to change anything, which my debilitating procrastination won't allow.

Too many things feel bogged down in what I will collectively call my existence.


I have a short film in the can just waiting for me to grab the fucking balls, being my boss or my uncle or my wallet. What am I waiting for? I have no fucking clue.
Why is this democratic nomination still going on? Why the cnn homepage like a sealed plastic bag over my head every morning? Finish this shit you fucking idiots!
I am living with strangers, and have yet to find a place. I am apparently just waiting on someone else to do it for me, because I'm a overgrown baby and need that done for me.
I have cavities since 2005 I think. What the fuck am I waiting for? It's painful. I don't know what the fuck my deal is.
I wake up and go to sleep now, for the past six months, with some form of dizziness or heavy headedness. I'm pretty sure my ears need to be looked at, and my head examined.

I could go on...but I'll spare myself.

Let's get to the point. Here I am on the near eve of my 25th birthday (well...like 3 weeks), and I'm blown away by how much time I feel I've wasted. Since leaving home, I feel unsatisfied with most everything I'm doing, as far what I do for money. I know I work for a professional sports team, and that was always sort of 2nd tier goal. But still.

I feel more potential stored inside me than this. Fuck the second tier. I'm far too self-righteous at this point to think I deserve anything less than exactly what I want.

But old habits die hard I suppose. I've been told I tend to do just enough to get by since making B+'s in handwriting class. And now that I feel the need to work harder and and take risks, I have a lack of experience. I've got all the experience in the world in following directions, but never creating my own. At least not with the big decisions.

Making the tame, vanilla, 'everyone will like me more' decision has always been my forte I guess. Get good grades to appease parents, don't get the highest grade in the class to appease lower performing students as well as higher performing students. (Not to say I could have made the highest, but apparently at this level of self-love I'm allowed.)

It's just recently that I've come to dislike this character trait, in what now has been fully realized as my "professional life."

I have no balls around co-workers, because I am afraid to let everyone know that I truly believe that I can make insanely better choices than them, and if put in a position would be willing to sacrifice my health, my social life, my interests, in order to guarantee their success. I want to fucking own people at work. I want to make them my slaves. I really do.
I don't know if this is psychotic or not. I don't know if its based on any real facts, its just an abstract feeling about things I do.

But I suppose we like the things we do. We defend anything spend more than 3 minutes coming up with or working on. Fuck, sometimes I defend horrible fucking movies because I actually sat through the whole damn thing.
*Although I do love movies so much sometimes it hurts, and rarely absolutely dislike anything as a whole.

Time to make that 'move' I suppose. That dare to be great situation. Too bad the only thing that comes to mind is killing people at the moment. Not anyone in particular at this point in the evening...

sigh....not really.


I should have gone into politics, I think thats where we as a nation harbor all our self-righteous pricks who think they deserve a lot of money for holding a moral compass in your face, and telling you that yours is a piece of shit fossil compass from JCPenney. Or is that ministry? Nah...you have to be crooked to make money in that. Or just be cartoonishly positive a la Joel Osteen.

I think I'll stop here. I've written in this blog so many times, but fail to actually post them. I think I'll actually post this one.

I give this rant an A-.