lipstick

This is the first time I've ever felt true and pure malice on people in this what may be now, a truly God Damned Country.

Mishandling of Iraq.
Mishandling of Pakistan.
Mishandling of Afghanistan.
Failing Banks.
Ever Weakening dollar.
A dying housing market.
Buy Outs of giant financial companies.
Bankrupt Banks.
Nuclear threats.
Global warming.
Oil being still thought of for the future.
Lack of an effective penis enlargement surgery.
Unemployment rising.
Government debt mounting.


But let's talk about lipstick.
I want to strangle everyone to death.

Everyone that likes this woman because they see themselves in her, this is exactly what happened with the current president. Can't you see that people like you shouldn't run the country....can you? yet?
Maybe leave it to someone with a little more education or any type of experience aside from being a fucking high school sports journalist.
The way you like things is not fucking working anymore.

Fuck. I pray McCain lives forever or dies before January, because this woman seems frightfully ignorant.



When this country is completely driven into the ground, will that be enough for everyone or do we all have to collect the rest of the gasoline and fucking burn it all down?
At this point, that would be my dream.

FUCK.
I'm sick.

fear

It seems so cliche, but fear of other people in the world rules a lot of my daily life. (Albeit less and less through the years.) It's not that it has prevented me from leaving my house and making the best of what is laid before me, but in rapid advancement of my well being or happiness it has been a worthy adversary.

As debt expands with my needs as I get older, it's harder to look at life as a dream, and more like what the powers that be have dubbed it: A race. So it's time to face the fears....not unlike Batman.

Claiming to not care what others think is one of a few clues that tip me off that people are in some state of denial, or don't exist on the same plane as me. If you don't fear what people think, you are most likely a significantly larger asshole than I could ever be. Fear of people keeps food in my mouth, booze in my gut, and a shower to wash it all out. It keeps me from raping women, and stealing from morgues, and telling my grandmother I wouldn't mind being a part of an abortion before I die.
Someone without fear can't be reasoned with, and often is the death of the party.

But maybe what people more colloquially mean, is that they don't let fear run their lives. And they overcome their fears everyday, and have gotten good at it. But it's hard to discern between the true fear fighters and those in denial who simply have taken so little responsibility in their lives, their confidence is robust with a decisionlessness...if that's a word.

It's why women sometimes find themselves attracted to utter losers isn't it? There is strength in a lack of stress. Stress literally drives people mad and to death. Lack of it can only lead to the opposite if derived from fears. Confidence needs no budget.

Confidence and comfort can lead to a life lived too long. But thank god. Who wants stressed and curmudgeony old fucks.

It's why STDs are found all over old folks homes. Those people are so happy they want to fuck an 80 year old. It's gross. But I'm rambling.

Truth is...I'm sick of worrying about what you think. I have something inside me that is worth being said. I don't have many skills, but with the few I have, it's time to sharpen their tips, and stop worrying about the giant whetstone that might bash me over the head.

Maybe only half the world is a critic in reality. Half seems more manageable than all the world.


So fuck that half, I'm looking at you in the eyes...ready for that blinking contest. All of you.

carlin.

This is the first celebrity death I can't shake.
In the past, its been relatively easy. It's just kind of weird to me that they are no longer here.

The only thing that could compare remotely to this was Johnny Cash, but I don't know, that was like my father's good friend dying. A man two or three generations removed from my own, minimal. But Carlin...despite being old, remained relevant until this very moment, thus missing any sort of generation gap.

I may not have read his all his books or heard every album, but from the moment I heard his bit on "stuff" I feel like I've connected with his ideas on a level on par with spirituality.

I'd heard his voice via all types of other comedians before I came to him, but after hearing him or reading him, I knew I'd found the root. The root of this unapologetic need to challenge people no matter what the cost, and to not give a shit when it comes to this world and everything in it. Everything is bullshit, nothing is bullshit. Life is worth losing. Just enjoy it.

There is a line in Jerry Seinfeld's eulogy from the New York Times that I think sums up what I took from Carlin that radically changed my outlook on things while in my early years of college.


"...it seemed like the whole world was funny because of George Carlin."



In his mind, everything was funny. It's all absurd. Everything can be funny.
Find your own meaning and purpose in this world, and fuck the rest.


I recently was unable to attend a Houston performance of his, because of work. I'm not proud of it.
Despite his hate for religion, I think God and him are having one of the best conversations ever right now.

RIP

nothing right

I can't help but think about the rut I feel everything around me is in currently. Maybe its the job. Being this attached to a sports team, sometimes it feels as though my week is determined by over-payed adults swinging sticks at balls. But I simplify the power of sports over humans...I'll leave that topic for a later post.

We all want to win all the time, in every aspect of our lives. Seems like some people are. Specifically if you live in Boston right now (fuckers). But I like to think the divorce, crime, and suicide rate there is off the charts currently. We can't always win all the time, you know this. And it sucks.

People can say "this is greatest country in the world" and be about as truthful as me saying "I'm really rich and have had a lot of success in everything I've tried."
Decaying hegemony is hard to watch.

So what are my alternatives to dwelling in the shit?
I figure I can turn to any modern self-help guru and sit around and count the positives, or I can attempt ignorance.....or just learn to eat the shit around me and enjoy it.

Counting is something I've never been a fan of. I remember at the age of 5 being asked by my kindergarten teacher to count to one hundred, and once finished I was so sure of myself, yet teach disagreed and estranged me from numbers for what will surely be a lifetime. I'm not trying to be silly here, I think this is true. Regardless, I don't know where to start this counting aside from the obvious...I'm alive, I have family and a few good friends who I believe love me, a decent job, a place to sleep and food.

But they all have their detractors.

I'm alive but I've been a degree of dizzy for nearly 9 months, and have yet to see a dr. that took it seriously. Sometimes its bad enough to warrant thoughts of killing myself....not that I ever actually would. It's 'gay', but it seems viable.

I have a family, but the side I like better is all on the outs. Some members are too broke and are embarassed to hang with other family members. My parents seem to be consistently in a rift with one-another, and are far too proud to see a counseler. My sister has a 1 year old little girl with a father recently sent to prison. She is currently applying to beauty school. It's disheartening.

I have some friends. I do. But it's becoming more and more apparent with a few of them, that their definition of friends is different than mine. What I used to feel was my backbone, has been pushed to the breaking point at times. I guess some of them have developed priorities as we get into the home stretch to 30.

My job is good. But if there is one thing that constantly stings, it's the fact that entertainment production doesn't pay dick. Having zero vacation and a schedule that feels relentless most days doesn't help either. Having free tickets to give out all the time is very satisfying. I enjoy gift giving. But the return on these tickets hasn't been very big. I haven't given someone tickets and then immediately been given sex, to make an allusion that makes sense to most. I personally should say something like..."immediately been given a pallet of coorslight." But these tickets are not cheap. Plus, as I mentioned before, the team isn't really fulfilling to watch. In fact it rips at my soul constantly.

I finally have an apartment. But with zero time away from work, its just a glorified storage unit.

The food I eat consists predominately of fast food or Astros provided meals, which have proved mediocre at best. So nutrition I suppose is not really ever acheived. And once you get a whiff of the kitchen where that shit is produced its a major turn off.


On the other hand...I could stop checking scores, stop reading CNN, stop checking my bank account, stop checking text messages, etc. But then I realize I'm still breathing, and the supposed bliss that comes from simply not caring about things has and never will be revered by me or anyone I personally want to hang out with. Granted, you nor I can care about everything....but please....give a shit about something. Otherwise you are that person who will live longer and feel happier that no one wants to hang out with.


So my real option is learning how to eat shit.
I suppose it won't be that hard. Can't be much worse than a BudLight Lime.



I am actually only happy when it rains.




Nah...

the argument for me being a woman

I don't know why I am the way I am, not referring to homosexuality here, but the fact that I'm not constantly trying to fuck women.
There is a scene from the movie BLOW that comes to mind every time I'm reminded of this character trait.
You know, when Penelope Cruz character, disenfranchised, mocks Johnny Depp's Jorge Jung with something to the effect of...

"Why don't you fuck me anymore, are you a faggot now?"

Seemingly the ultimate way a woman can cut down what's left of modern masculinity.

Being a man, as this society seems to define it, just seems wrong in me. Take huge risks and spend tons of effort into doing something or being someone who looks successful, thus looking good to eat, evolutionarily speaking, to a female counterpart. Doing something like selling millions of dollars of cocaine would never seem plausible to me. Ever.

But I suppose there are legal options, whether it be writing a hit record, having a successful car dealership, or getting drunk and beating everyone you know with jujitsu, we're all out to prove ourselves to women, by defeating men.

I do not mean to say I'm above this at all...far from it. I'm just really bad at it, and each time I take part in the proceedings I typically fail.
I feel some sort of intellectual guilt. As if "I'm too smart for this...being competitive with people is being assholic...or not taking part in this makes me above it."
In a way...I bullshit myself into not buying evolution and its natural selection that is taking place right in front of me. I guess thats why I hang back and make fun of people to death. (Which I'll always love)

Regardless of the ignorant ways in which I deal with this type of shit, it's stressful. Ignoring it is impossible.

I found this statement in an article I was reading when I was looking for things to secure my thinking.

The essence of how culture uses men depends on a basic social insecurity. This insecurity is in fact social, existential, and biological. Built into the male role is the danger of not being good enough to be accepted and respected and even the danger of not being able to do well enough to create offspring.

This is why somewhat losery guys such as myself are all anxious and suicidal at times...We're getting this shit from all ends...socially, biologically, existentially. Its a beating a lot of shitty guys take everyday.

Simply put...there are too many holes being fucked by way too few dicks.
And I mean dicks in each sense of the word. (Although some Richards may be pretty shitty.) There are too stark a contrast in the value of men. There either great and fucking a lot...or not great...in fact they are losers. I think women typically are not like this in general. Maybe feminism has done something of a number on this idea, but still the richest people in world are men as well as the poorest.

But am I really that shitty or great? Not really...this is why I am a woman.

Rather than take great risks and be shitty or great as men have been doing since Lucy, I'd rather just ride in the middle.
Seems like a better plan to me.

Put a lovable looking lady in a bar and sit her by herself. The oppostite sex will flock eventually, regardless of whether she chooses to interact first. Someone will take the risk.

Put me in a bar by my lonesome and have me say nothing, the results will be starkly different. Although my lovable-ness is very debatable if not dubious.

Yet....most of the time, this is what I choose to do. The alternative seems gross to me. Competition when it comes to proving something to attain evolutionary advancement through fucking, doesn't work for me.


Recently I have decided I outright do not want children. I'm far too fucked up with my own thoughts, shortcomings, and lacking physical attributes to really add anything to the gene pool anyways.

Since deciding this, I think I've actually decreased my masturbation habits. And with that my stress level has risen dramatically.

So yes. I've outright decided I want to be miserable.





BUT...If I don't believe or claim not to like this competition then why have I written something like this? To try to prove to women I'm smart? And Why is everything I do have to be wrapped up in theories on human nature?

I find this very constrictive, and find it hard to breath with the weight of it on me. As well as The greatest weight.



I suppose I should take it from Cee Lee Green and...

Just live. And die.



...


Meh...I'm not really this unhappy about the definition of "man" in this day and age.
I think I'll go drink and make fun of people, then jerk off. I like it.

Don't grade me. I'll grade myself.

I just can't sit quietly today.

I can't breath with this anxiety, and this seems to be the only outlet, aside from actually doing something to change anything, which my debilitating procrastination won't allow.

Too many things feel bogged down in what I will collectively call my existence.


I have a short film in the can just waiting for me to grab the fucking balls, being my boss or my uncle or my wallet. What am I waiting for? I have no fucking clue.
Why is this democratic nomination still going on? Why the cnn homepage like a sealed plastic bag over my head every morning? Finish this shit you fucking idiots!
I am living with strangers, and have yet to find a place. I am apparently just waiting on someone else to do it for me, because I'm a overgrown baby and need that done for me.
I have cavities since 2005 I think. What the fuck am I waiting for? It's painful. I don't know what the fuck my deal is.
I wake up and go to sleep now, for the past six months, with some form of dizziness or heavy headedness. I'm pretty sure my ears need to be looked at, and my head examined.

I could go on...but I'll spare myself.

Let's get to the point. Here I am on the near eve of my 25th birthday (well...like 3 weeks), and I'm blown away by how much time I feel I've wasted. Since leaving home, I feel unsatisfied with most everything I'm doing, as far what I do for money. I know I work for a professional sports team, and that was always sort of 2nd tier goal. But still.

I feel more potential stored inside me than this. Fuck the second tier. I'm far too self-righteous at this point to think I deserve anything less than exactly what I want.

But old habits die hard I suppose. I've been told I tend to do just enough to get by since making B+'s in handwriting class. And now that I feel the need to work harder and and take risks, I have a lack of experience. I've got all the experience in the world in following directions, but never creating my own. At least not with the big decisions.

Making the tame, vanilla, 'everyone will like me more' decision has always been my forte I guess. Get good grades to appease parents, don't get the highest grade in the class to appease lower performing students as well as higher performing students. (Not to say I could have made the highest, but apparently at this level of self-love I'm allowed.)

It's just recently that I've come to dislike this character trait, in what now has been fully realized as my "professional life."

I have no balls around co-workers, because I am afraid to let everyone know that I truly believe that I can make insanely better choices than them, and if put in a position would be willing to sacrifice my health, my social life, my interests, in order to guarantee their success. I want to fucking own people at work. I want to make them my slaves. I really do.
I don't know if this is psychotic or not. I don't know if its based on any real facts, its just an abstract feeling about things I do.

But I suppose we like the things we do. We defend anything spend more than 3 minutes coming up with or working on. Fuck, sometimes I defend horrible fucking movies because I actually sat through the whole damn thing.
*Although I do love movies so much sometimes it hurts, and rarely absolutely dislike anything as a whole.

Time to make that 'move' I suppose. That dare to be great situation. Too bad the only thing that comes to mind is killing people at the moment. Not anyone in particular at this point in the evening...

sigh....not really.


I should have gone into politics, I think thats where we as a nation harbor all our self-righteous pricks who think they deserve a lot of money for holding a moral compass in your face, and telling you that yours is a piece of shit fossil compass from JCPenney. Or is that ministry? Nah...you have to be crooked to make money in that. Or just be cartoonishly positive a la Joel Osteen.

I think I'll stop here. I've written in this blog so many times, but fail to actually post them. I think I'll actually post this one.

I give this rant an A-.