nothing right

I can't help but think about the rut I feel everything around me is in currently. Maybe its the job. Being this attached to a sports team, sometimes it feels as though my week is determined by over-payed adults swinging sticks at balls. But I simplify the power of sports over humans...I'll leave that topic for a later post.

We all want to win all the time, in every aspect of our lives. Seems like some people are. Specifically if you live in Boston right now (fuckers). But I like to think the divorce, crime, and suicide rate there is off the charts currently. We can't always win all the time, you know this. And it sucks.

People can say "this is greatest country in the world" and be about as truthful as me saying "I'm really rich and have had a lot of success in everything I've tried."
Decaying hegemony is hard to watch.

So what are my alternatives to dwelling in the shit?
I figure I can turn to any modern self-help guru and sit around and count the positives, or I can attempt ignorance.....or just learn to eat the shit around me and enjoy it.

Counting is something I've never been a fan of. I remember at the age of 5 being asked by my kindergarten teacher to count to one hundred, and once finished I was so sure of myself, yet teach disagreed and estranged me from numbers for what will surely be a lifetime. I'm not trying to be silly here, I think this is true. Regardless, I don't know where to start this counting aside from the obvious...I'm alive, I have family and a few good friends who I believe love me, a decent job, a place to sleep and food.

But they all have their detractors.

I'm alive but I've been a degree of dizzy for nearly 9 months, and have yet to see a dr. that took it seriously. Sometimes its bad enough to warrant thoughts of killing myself....not that I ever actually would. It's 'gay', but it seems viable.

I have a family, but the side I like better is all on the outs. Some members are too broke and are embarassed to hang with other family members. My parents seem to be consistently in a rift with one-another, and are far too proud to see a counseler. My sister has a 1 year old little girl with a father recently sent to prison. She is currently applying to beauty school. It's disheartening.

I have some friends. I do. But it's becoming more and more apparent with a few of them, that their definition of friends is different than mine. What I used to feel was my backbone, has been pushed to the breaking point at times. I guess some of them have developed priorities as we get into the home stretch to 30.

My job is good. But if there is one thing that constantly stings, it's the fact that entertainment production doesn't pay dick. Having zero vacation and a schedule that feels relentless most days doesn't help either. Having free tickets to give out all the time is very satisfying. I enjoy gift giving. But the return on these tickets hasn't been very big. I haven't given someone tickets and then immediately been given sex, to make an allusion that makes sense to most. I personally should say something like..."immediately been given a pallet of coorslight." But these tickets are not cheap. Plus, as I mentioned before, the team isn't really fulfilling to watch. In fact it rips at my soul constantly.

I finally have an apartment. But with zero time away from work, its just a glorified storage unit.

The food I eat consists predominately of fast food or Astros provided meals, which have proved mediocre at best. So nutrition I suppose is not really ever acheived. And once you get a whiff of the kitchen where that shit is produced its a major turn off.


On the other hand...I could stop checking scores, stop reading CNN, stop checking my bank account, stop checking text messages, etc. But then I realize I'm still breathing, and the supposed bliss that comes from simply not caring about things has and never will be revered by me or anyone I personally want to hang out with. Granted, you nor I can care about everything....but please....give a shit about something. Otherwise you are that person who will live longer and feel happier that no one wants to hang out with.


So my real option is learning how to eat shit.
I suppose it won't be that hard. Can't be much worse than a BudLight Lime.



I am actually only happy when it rains.




Nah...