Don't grade me. I'll grade myself.

I just can't sit quietly today.

I can't breath with this anxiety, and this seems to be the only outlet, aside from actually doing something to change anything, which my debilitating procrastination won't allow.

Too many things feel bogged down in what I will collectively call my existence.


I have a short film in the can just waiting for me to grab the fucking balls, being my boss or my uncle or my wallet. What am I waiting for? I have no fucking clue.
Why is this democratic nomination still going on? Why the cnn homepage like a sealed plastic bag over my head every morning? Finish this shit you fucking idiots!
I am living with strangers, and have yet to find a place. I am apparently just waiting on someone else to do it for me, because I'm a overgrown baby and need that done for me.
I have cavities since 2005 I think. What the fuck am I waiting for? It's painful. I don't know what the fuck my deal is.
I wake up and go to sleep now, for the past six months, with some form of dizziness or heavy headedness. I'm pretty sure my ears need to be looked at, and my head examined.

I could go on...but I'll spare myself.

Let's get to the point. Here I am on the near eve of my 25th birthday (well...like 3 weeks), and I'm blown away by how much time I feel I've wasted. Since leaving home, I feel unsatisfied with most everything I'm doing, as far what I do for money. I know I work for a professional sports team, and that was always sort of 2nd tier goal. But still.

I feel more potential stored inside me than this. Fuck the second tier. I'm far too self-righteous at this point to think I deserve anything less than exactly what I want.

But old habits die hard I suppose. I've been told I tend to do just enough to get by since making B+'s in handwriting class. And now that I feel the need to work harder and and take risks, I have a lack of experience. I've got all the experience in the world in following directions, but never creating my own. At least not with the big decisions.

Making the tame, vanilla, 'everyone will like me more' decision has always been my forte I guess. Get good grades to appease parents, don't get the highest grade in the class to appease lower performing students as well as higher performing students. (Not to say I could have made the highest, but apparently at this level of self-love I'm allowed.)

It's just recently that I've come to dislike this character trait, in what now has been fully realized as my "professional life."

I have no balls around co-workers, because I am afraid to let everyone know that I truly believe that I can make insanely better choices than them, and if put in a position would be willing to sacrifice my health, my social life, my interests, in order to guarantee their success. I want to fucking own people at work. I want to make them my slaves. I really do.
I don't know if this is psychotic or not. I don't know if its based on any real facts, its just an abstract feeling about things I do.

But I suppose we like the things we do. We defend anything spend more than 3 minutes coming up with or working on. Fuck, sometimes I defend horrible fucking movies because I actually sat through the whole damn thing.
*Although I do love movies so much sometimes it hurts, and rarely absolutely dislike anything as a whole.

Time to make that 'move' I suppose. That dare to be great situation. Too bad the only thing that comes to mind is killing people at the moment. Not anyone in particular at this point in the evening...

sigh....not really.


I should have gone into politics, I think thats where we as a nation harbor all our self-righteous pricks who think they deserve a lot of money for holding a moral compass in your face, and telling you that yours is a piece of shit fossil compass from JCPenney. Or is that ministry? Nah...you have to be crooked to make money in that. Or just be cartoonishly positive a la Joel Osteen.

I think I'll stop here. I've written in this blog so many times, but fail to actually post them. I think I'll actually post this one.

I give this rant an A-.