giving up

its seems like the right thing to do.

its what my wells fargo banking statements scream.
its what my edfinancial loan bills scream
its what my texasgasservice bill screams
its what Luis De la Fuente's new job 3 days after finishing school's salary screams
its what my rent screams
its what my 2 unpaid internships scream
its what those engaged business majors from high school scream
its what my unpaid audio gig screams
its what that pizza delivery job im going to need for money screams
its what my slowed rate of buying dvd's screams...

shit.

I wish i could go back to that ignorant 18 year old i once was and sit down with him and really discuss how this was all going to go down....because he didn't have a fucking clue....and he should have....no one ever told him.
im sure it wouldn't have made a difference....he knew just what he was made of. earth. right. just like everyone else.

At some point I said..."ill do what i love over what will allow me to survive and procreate, and what i hate."
choosing art. although many would argue that nothing ive done constitutes as art.....fuck them.........i believe it is.....because its not done to get chicks to fuck me....and its not done to get money.....thats art. done for yourself out of boredom and the need to say something.....and probably a handful of other reasons.
(...I openly admit to talking out of my ass the majority of the time, and i try to leave everything i say open ended like that....)

I can't stress this enough to younger people than i....dont major in anything associated with film...
Art wasn't meant to be structured into a degree plan....and you dont need it. ive learned more in the last 6th months that i did all 2 years i spent in the rtf program...

...

Everything I think I wrote just now is bullshit....
i have no interest in arguing the sanctity of art....
i just want a fucking real job.....doing what i know how to do....

Continuing to get my family crappy gifts is starting to get a little embarassing...
Being poor now...not just college kid poor....sucks.
Having cavities, broken bones, skin cancer, mental sickness, and a car thats beginning to deteriorate...it just feels bleak.
oh yeah....i have cancer...
no that was a lie, i think....i have mental problems...

theres a raging battle in my head......
GRE vs. Hollywood....vs a young heart attack


this is my fucking christmas post....
ive been a fairly bad christian for atleast a year...maybe 3

fuck it....im not giving up....