truly lost

maybe not truly...but mostly today.

As days go by laying about in unemployment and mild depression, I'm conjuring up the energy to explicate on this safe standby - my ol' blog.
I'm broke.
I've never been this broke before atleast not with such a sour attitude about it. Its hard not to when your peers live in such a stark contrast. Someone lied to me along this line of choices I've made. I assume that person is myself, but I would like to blame others. Why was no one there to stop me with this? How did I fool everyone and myself into believing I was cut out for this shit, and that I could make it in this industry...this city...this life out here. Whats more disturbing is that im saying this now, but in less time than you think, I will be back on my own bullshit bandwagon. "I can do it...just a few more months..." I'll say..."your break is coming" "you dont need to go back to school."

I'm already doing it.....

Dreams of making it big...moving to LA...traveling to New York...buying things I don't need....eating name-brand apple jacks.....................it all keeps me hungry I guess.

It's just hard to turn this hunger into motivation that churns out product. Working for nothing....i can do it...i can't do it on my own. An example would be the quarter of the way written scripts I have.....The lack of any produced idea I've had since graduating. Maybe that isn't entirely true...(what are blogs for if not a place to beat yourself up)

I think maybe its been tough due to not knowing what to do exactly...except everything. "Hey"..."I can do that." I can work radio promotions, i can cut outdoorsman sport videos, i can produce that music video, i can make television, i can write that script, i can record those voices, i can make that dvd, i can do that photo retouching, i can animate your website, i can act, i can get on stage and be funny, i can bring you lunch, i can take your order, i can drive that pizza.....'taint no thing sir. I'll do it all. Fuck it. I think wanting to do this all had led me to believe I would make a great producer, if I was slightly better with people, which I may be eventually with some more experience (which I have to earn with no pay)

I hope this all makes me a better person.....I hear its supposed to....I hear everyone in hollywood has something to talk about because everyone there has been through an inordinate amount of BS to get where they are. I look forward to that day, sitting over an overpriced decaf explaining the night in the hood i spent watching camera equipment in the dark for 4 hours for no money in the cold, cleaning out 20 year old abandon buildings in mexico full of spiders bigger than my hands, getting lunch orders wrong for famous documentarians and watching these humanitarians flip out about a gyro, or actually working for American Idol.

Until then I'll be here...at this computer jockeying tunes, biding my time, looking at funny casual encounters ads on craigslist, masturbating....waiting for the next job to apply to.


eventually everyone has to pay............me.
so lost.




ps. go steelers